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Airport Security Line Line Dance
By Bob Jones (A Southwest Airlines Passenger)
(Written aboard flight 1744 Feb 28, 2002

I had to fly to Phoenix to do some business there.
I got my tickets online to get the cheapest fare.
I packed my bags sparingly to reduce the weight
I knew I'd have to wrestle them through the security gate.

Put your carry-on on your left arm Your personal bag on your right
Have your ticket and ID handy, visible and in sight.
Take everything from your pockets and take the laptop from the bag
Make sure that all is ready so you won't cause the line to lag.

The girl at the ticket counter was as helpful as could be
She said my license picture didn't look a lot like me
But since I had my online pass she'd have to let me get on
You see, the bad guys in this world don't have

The guard who lets you in the Xray queue looked me over twice
I thought she thought my buns were tight and maybe my face was nice
I asked her how her day had been, said her uniform looked fine
She frowned at me and took me to the head of the Xray line.

They took my carry-on from my left arm and the personal bag from
my right
They took my ticket and my ID and whisked them out of sight
They took everything from my pockets, my laptop made a scene.
Everything was ready to send through the Xray machine.

I walked through the metal detector as all my stuff was scanned
For objects sharp and dangerous and things that might be banned.
The inspector stared at the Xray Screen for shadows that might do harm
While the rivets in my Levi jeans set off the security alarm

They took me to the rubber pad and held my arms out wide
The magic wand went up and down then it went side to side.
I said, "This isn't necessary, I'm as peaceful as a dove"
He held his hand up in my face and put on a latex glove.

As they inspected parts of me, the list an intentional omission
I saw someone's grandmother in a similar position
To prevent "racial profiling" they must let the Arabs pass
While American grandmas and I get it in the aaaargh!

On my recent trip to Boston, they had this brand new thing
They took away my toothpaste and my bottled drink
Someone felt threatened by my Fresh Scent Roll-on Ban
So now I'm traveling nekkid, it's the only way I can.

p.p.s -11/2010
When I sent this verse to you back in two thousand six (2006)
You thought it a humorous exaggeration, from a guy who was politically thick
But now the body scanners give the tabloids an intimate view
Of body parts ancient and those that are new too

Bypassing the photo shoots that make the Hefner crowd proud
Or questioning TSA authority a little bit too loud
Gets you placed in the special line for your turn to be molested
And backing out at this late time will get yourself arrested

This little verse originally intended for a laugh
Written for a bit of wit by a guy with only half
Chides Americans who travel as being most pathetic
For letting this silly verse become accurately prophetic

As a consequence, I will no longer fly with my goats ;-)
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