Had to post this - W-A-Y to funny not to share......

Discussion in 'The Chatter Box' started by kelebek, Oct 13, 2008.

  1. kelebek

    kelebek New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    South Texas
    I just had to send this – it is WAY to funny!
    ~ Allison

    ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


    Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

    The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


    Nothing!
    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit
    I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.



    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

    I decided to
    give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

    WHAT THE HELL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.


    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.


    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

    P.S.

    My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.
     
  2. FunnyRiverFarm

    FunnyRiverFarm New Member

    Sep 13, 2008
    Hudson, MI
    :ROFL: :ROFL: :slapfloor: Why, oh, why?! lololololololl...
     

  3. heathersboers

    heathersboers New Member

    629
    Sep 5, 2008
    Wilson N.C.
    that was soooo funny- My husband would do that-sounds just like him!!! he did do that with a electric bark collar for the dog-except for he tried it on my stepson to see if it worked :ROFL: :ROFL: :ROFL: I'm gonna read this to him when he gets home!!!
     
  4. kelebek

    kelebek New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    South Texas
    you know - that was the FIRST thing out of my mouth was - "that sounds like somehting my hubby would do". He wrote back - without me saying ANYTHING - "I'm not that stupid I would have just used it on Dakota for the test." Dakota is my step son - so I think that all men are realitively the same.

    You should have heard the different offices that were opening it. You would just hear a howling laughter as each opened it and was laughing!
     
  5. heathersboers

    heathersboers New Member

    629
    Sep 5, 2008
    Wilson N.C.
    It is so funny what people think of to try stuff out- hey "curiosity killed the cat""- I probably would have been scared the taser would kill the cat- I wouldn't have tried it at all-especially on myself!!
     
  6. AlaskaBoers

    AlaskaBoers New Member

    May 6, 2008
    Wasilla Alaska
    wow :roll: , very ..... wow. :ROFL:
     
  7. liz

    liz Active Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    Shelocta PA
    :slapfloor: I about P'd my pants!!! :ROFL: Definately something MY hubby would do.....he also tried the dogs training collar on himself!

    THANK YOU Allison!! Best laugh I had in awhile :greengrin:
     
  8. toth boer goats

    toth boer goats Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Jul 20, 2008
    Corning California
    wow........ouch............ :ROFL: ...... wow .............ouch........... :ROFL:
     
  9. heavenlyhaven

    heavenlyhaven Senior Member

    627
    Apr 16, 2008
    Belmont, NY
    i'm laughing so hard it hurts
    i can just see my son matthew...
     
  10. HollowbeadRanch

    HollowbeadRanch New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    NW Alabama
    Ok.... that's how far down the post it took me to realize what he would do.... and at the EXACT same moment I had already come to the conclusion that my Hubby would do it too :slapfloor: :slapfloor: :slapfloor:

    Ok.... Liz our Husbands can NEVER meet! It would be hazardous to our health! My Hubby and a few of his Buddies AND his Father stood in a circle in my yard and took turns shocking each other with one of those darn dog collar shockers to see which one could stand the highest voltage :roll: Very stupid... but VERY amusing for an innocent on looker like myself :slapfloor: MEN!
     
  11. HollowbeadRanch

    HollowbeadRanch New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    NW Alabama
    :slapfloor: :slapfloor: :slapfloor: OMG, after reading this to my Husband... he says "Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop is here in Huntsville, AL!"
    #1 How funny is that?
    #2 How bad is it that my Husband knows all of the local pawn shops by name???
    :roll:
     
  12. Di

    Di Crazy Goat Lady

    Jan 29, 2008
    central PA
    :GAAH: :ROFL: :ROFL: That was LOL funny! Remember ladies (were is Bob?) Men are all the same, they just look different so you can tell them apart!
     
  13. kelebek

    kelebek New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    South Texas
    I am so glad that you all had as much fun with this as I did. I read the responses to DH and he was laughing and said that us women have WAY to much time on our hands....

    Now Bob - here is the real test - what do YOU think - :ROFL: :ROFL:
     
  14. HollowbeadRanch

    HollowbeadRanch New Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    NW Alabama
  15. sweetgoats

    sweetgoats Moderator

    Oct 18, 2007
    Peyton CO.
    That was great. I could so seem my DH and DS doing it. :slapfloor:
     
  16. Sonrise Farm

    Sonrise Farm New Member

    Sep 18, 2008
    Southwick, Idaho
    If men are actually . . . :ROFL:. . . that stupid . . . :slapfloor: . . . I'm not sure I want to handcuff myself to one . . . :ROFL: for life . . . .
     
  17. creaturesall

    creaturesall New Member

    288
    Oct 26, 2007
    Langdon, AB Canada
    [​IMG]
    While it's true I am the guy who was zapped 3 times by my own electric fence
    before I finally twigged to cause and effect, I think that Talitha may be onto
    a deeper truth here. As dough-headed as you gals think this fellow and
    your own DH's to be, someone (insert own name here) thought that these
    very fellows were exactly what the Good Lord ordered up as a perfect partner for you! :hug:
     
  18. Sonrise Farm

    Sonrise Farm New Member

    Sep 18, 2008
    Southwick, Idaho
    My mom says when God pairs a girl up with a guy he makes both of them alittle blind until about 2 days after the wedding . . . :ROFL: . . .
     
  19. rebelshope

    rebelshope New Member

    908
    Sep 20, 2008
    Wisconsin
    Okay, all I can say is at least he left the cat alone. lol

    Men!!
     
  20. liz

    liz Active Member

    Oct 5, 2007
    Shelocta PA
    Talitha...I have to say that your mom is a wise lady :wink:

    And creaturesall.....you are soooo right! If it wasn't for me in my DH life....I do think there would have been ALOT of stupid actions on his part...God pairs up specific men and women according to tolerance on the womans part :hug: