So sorry you and your mom are going through this. 
:hug: Would it be possible to move into where your fiance is?
:hug: Would it be possible to move into where your fiance is?
I've been fighting with my mom and need advice.
I'm 24 and still live at home with my parents. We live on a 31 acre farm and in a couple of weeks my fiancé is moving in with us. The plan is for my fiancé and I to live in my parents' house with them for awhile after we are married, until we have enough money saved to build a house. The plan is to build on the property.
I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home.
Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel.
It's hard. When we're getting along, which we do 75% of the time, things are great. But then she gets in these moods. I don't know how to handle it. Any attempt I make to explain to her how it made me feel just starts another fight.
This has to get better. If it doesn't, my fiancé has said that he won't want to build on the property, and he also won't want our kids around her. I can't tell her this. It would really hurt her feelings and it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I just really need advice...I'm stressed and depressed over it all and it sucks.
Sorry for the long rant!
I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home.
Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel.
It's hard. When we're getting along, which we do 75% of the time, things are great. But then she gets in these moods. I don't know how to handle it. Any attempt I make to explain to her how it made me feel just starts another fight.
This has to get better. If it doesn't, my fiancé has said that he won't want to build on the property, and he also won't want our kids around her. I can't tell her this. It would really hurt her feelings and it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I just really need advice...I'm stressed and depressed over it all and it sucks.
Sorry for the long rant!
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
Im sorry...sounds like things are very stressed there...might be you and mom need a time out from each other...sometimes growing pains ( you growing up) can be painful to mom too..and scary...BUT there is no reason EVER for anyone, no matter who they are to curse and belittle another...It might be good to hold off on plans to build for a while...find an affordable place to move and give that needed space...
I dont know how old mom is..but hormonal changes can make a person mean, this is no way an excuse, but perhaps a reason..the added stress of you growing up and moving on with your life, marriage, boyfriend moving in ect... might make this worse.
At the very lease when mom is in this mood, go take a walk, go to town, but leave for a while so you are not the target. Your boyfriend might do the same when mom begins bashing you to him..excuse himself and leave...there is no reason for either of you to stick around and hear that..Just walk away...
I dont know how old mom is..but hormonal changes can make a person mean, this is no way an excuse, but perhaps a reason..the added stress of you growing up and moving on with your life, marriage, boyfriend moving in ect... might make this worse.
At the very lease when mom is in this mood, go take a walk, go to town, but leave for a while so you are not the target. Your boyfriend might do the same when mom begins bashing you to him..excuse himself and leave...there is no reason for either of you to stick around and hear that..Just walk away...
You may want to think really hard if it is worth it to live with your parents and build a house on the property. If you don't own the piece of land you build on, they can take it away from you.
I agree with Karen. Cutting the apron strings can be hard and scary...but it also can make your relationshp with our mom a whole lot better..
It seems your mother is very mad about the whole situation. If I am getting this correctly, you are pregnant right? That can be very stressful to some parents. Some take it very hard. Either they are very angry or they are very happy.
You are already feeling the pain of what it will be like, it will only get worse,when your fiance moves in there and you may get kicked out, if it is their property.
If you build a house, it will be devastating for what you put into it. But I do see this down the road, unless you have a contract in your favor.
I highly recommend that the both of you find another place to live and maybe buy a house for yourself.
Your mother should not talk to you the way she does, but it could be too, she is going through menopause, which gives very bad mood swings.
I don't know both sides but, what I am hearing is, you are better off going on your own and starting a new life elsewhere.
You are already feeling the pain of what it will be like, it will only get worse,when your fiance moves in there and you may get kicked out, if it is their property.
If you build a house, it will be devastating for what you put into it. But I do see this down the road, unless you have a contract in your favor.
I highly recommend that the both of you find another place to live and maybe buy a house for yourself.
Your mother should not talk to you the way she does, but it could be too, she is going through menopause, which gives very bad mood swings.
I don't know both sides but, what I am hearing is, you are better off going on your own and starting a new life elsewhere.
If there's one thing I've learned after almost 30 years of marriage...It's never ever ever move in with family. It doesn't work and the hurt from the fighting lasts a lifetime. Even if you have to get a camp trailer to live in for now, you will be so much happier.
No one should call you names. Name calling is completely unproductive and is abusive. Someone who calls you names only wants to bring you down; they aren't trying to help you be better.
I know it's your mom, but that doesn't make the behavior more appropriate. Unless you have no other options I wouldn't recommend building on your family's land or moving in with your parents. The stress will eventually cause a rift you may never be able to heal. It's much better to hurt her feelings a little now, than deal with the abuse until you eventually no longer want a relationship with each other.
I know it's your mom, but that doesn't make the behavior more appropriate. Unless you have no other options I wouldn't recommend building on your family's land or moving in with your parents. The stress will eventually cause a rift you may never be able to heal. It's much better to hurt her feelings a little now, than deal with the abuse until you eventually no longer want a relationship with each other.
Hon, I've been in your shoes. Even at 50+ years, my mother is not always my friend. Do NOT move in with your parents. Find a place of your own. I know it's going to be hard because money is tight, but the last place you need to try and start a relationship is under a roof that is not accepting of you. Re-evaluate building on the land your parents own....unless you are buying it (and then get a mortgage thru someone besides them) or it is deeded over to you. I know it is hard to cut the "apron strings" but you are going to have to do it because your mother won't. Good luck.
I agree that it sounds menopausal...it's such a crazy, difficult time... I will pray for you and your fiancé and mom..
Not taking sides at all. But my now husband also moved in with my family before we got married. His family was messed up and rented out his bed room when he was 17. Any ways me and my mom also fought more than usual. Now that I'm older and wiser it is very hard to have a new person enter the house. They say the best way to loose a friend is to rent a place together. I also agree with menapause I think my mom was going threw it and my bad hormonal PMS didn't help either. But bottom line is it is hard to adjust to someone entering your home and family....I'm realizing that with my brothers.girlfriend. if you don't want to leave.the place I totally get that I never want to leave this place that is my....well actually my dads and uncles.....but that's the case that you don't want to leave I would try the trailer idea. See if.actually not being under the same roof will help. It will give you a idea of what it would be like to build on the place before you put all that money into it.
Another thing.....money might play a roll in her attitude as well. I know it doesn't seem like food and such is that much but does add up when there is a extra mouth to feed. If you want to stay in the house maybe offer to help with paying bills.
I know it seems I'm picking her side.....not at all just trying to figure out why the sudden change. I would still really consider the trailer idea and to also save money so if it doesn't work out your prepared to rent a place.
it is very hard to have a new person enter the house. They say the best way to loose a friend is to rent a place together. I also agree with menapause I think my mom was going threw it and my bad hormonal PMS didn't help either. But bottom line is it is hard to adjust to someone entering your home and family....I'm realizing that with my brothers.girlfriend. if you don't want to leave.the place I totally get that I never want to leave this place that is my....well actually my dads and uncles.....but that's the case that you don't want to leave I would try the trailer idea. See if.actually not being under the same roof will help. It will give you a idea of what it would be like to build on the place before you put all that money into it. Another thing.....money might play a roll in her attitude as well. I know it doesn't seem like food and such is that much but does add up when there is a extra mouth to feed. If you want to stay in the house maybe offer to help with paying bills.
I know it seems I'm picking her side.....not at all just trying to figure out why the sudden change. I would still really consider the trailer idea and to also save money so if it doesn't work out your prepared to rent a place.
I also say menopause. I was still at home when my mother was going through it and i ended up going to a college 1000 miles away. My dad asked me what i was running from, and i never had the heart to tell him. She was very sneaky with her hissy fits. He never knew till his dying day what a witch she was. DO NOT MOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND IN WITH YOUR MOTHER. PITCH ATENT IF YOU HAVE TO.
Oh wow, I am sorry! My parents have always said it's best for a couple to live alone, NOT with parents. I agree with what the others are saying - you and your husband need to run your own home, even if it's a camper trailer. :hug:
My parents have always said it's best for a couple to live alone, NOT with parents. I agree with what the others are saying - you and your husband need to run your own home, even if it's a camper trailer. :hug:
Ok, I'm going to defend the menopausal women out there! Menopause does NOT cause someone to act like that. Yes, we go thru hormonal changes which can cause some issues for us. BUT.....even my mother (who can be a total bitch) did not change like that due to menopause. It is something in their core personality that is that way. It may show up more at certain times, but it is not something that will go away or change (unless there is some life-altering event).
Read through this thread.
http://www.thegoatspot.net/forum/f216/yes-rant-but-you-might-learn-something-154932/
http://www.thegoatspot.net/forum/f216/yes-rant-but-you-might-learn-something-154932/
Your mom may be scared she is going to loose you, she may be going through memopause which can really stress her out. You are old enough to know that there are things that go on in ones life that others have no clue to. Even in the same house hold................just look at the news.I'm 24 and still live at home with my parents. We live on a 31 acre farm and in a couple of weeks my fiancé is moving in with us. The plan is for my fiancé and I to live in my parents' house with them for awhile after we are married, until we have enough money saved to build a house. The plan is to build on the property.
I usually get along well with my parents, but lately it's been a bit rough. She has started this new thing where she bashes me to my fiancé. Like she'll take things about me that she knows already irritate him and she'll start off with "I hope you know what you're getting into" and then she'll harp on my negative points and she'll laugh about it as if it's funny to humiliate me.
Then 2 days ago she was fighting with my dad, and what usually happens happened. She turned on me and took out her anger on me. I was cleaning the bathroom and she started screaming in my face and yelling for me to clean the bathroom, even tho that's what I was already doing. I asked her why she has to yell at me and make me feel small, then she got in my face and was yelling that it was my fault I was in trouble. I asked her to leave the room, she said no, so I walked away. As I was walking away she started calling me a b**ch and making other nasty comments about me. Her favorite things to call me are lazy, slob, pig, brat, and the b-word. I was sitting in my room as she started throwing my clothes basically in a pile at my door so I left the house and sat in the turkey house and cried until my fiancé came home.
Later on another fight erupted between me and my mom and she did a combo of yelling/name calling/ insulting/and exaggerating on my negatives to the point where it was almost a complete lie. I wound up yelling back and after it was done I started crying again and didn't want my fiancé to see so I told him to just go home (I was preparing for him to break up with me, honestly) and I ran off into the woods. I was going to punch the crap out of a tree which is what I do when I get really upset, but I had work the next day and I wouldn't have been able to explain why my hand was a mess. My fiancé found me and he was upset that my mom acted like that and I also found out that after he set out to look for me, my parents locked us out and left (the locking out was intentional, they knew I was outside and upset). He made me feel better but I finally broke down. Normally I don't talk about my feelings, at all, but I did. I told him that I can handle when she treats me like this when it's just me but the fact that she does it front of him makes me worried that one day he is going to start believing all of the things she says about me and he'll leave. I also said that I'm starting to believe that I am as awful as she makes me feel.
It's hard. When we're getting along, which we do 75% of the time, things are great. But then she gets in these moods. I don't know how to handle it. Any attempt I make to explain to her how it made me feel just starts another fight.
This has to get better. If it doesn't, my fiancé has said that he won't want to build on the property, and he also won't want our kids around her. I can't tell her this. It would really hurt her feelings and it wouldn't accomplish anything.
I just really need advice...I'm stressed and depressed over it all and it sucks.
Sorry for the long rant!
When it is ONLY the two of you ask he what is really wrong and why she is acting the way she is..........tell her you want to understand. Also make it clear in a kind way that that you care and wish to make life easier for her and your dad while you are there. Don't give up easily, try to make her realize that you are excited about moving on and having your own home and that you look forward to her advice.........
The idea of you living there till you have money for your own home s NOT REALISTIC unless you both have a very good income, by which you should also be paying for have of the food, fuel, taxes that go with living with another ,
OR, kind other living arrangements like shared housing with others in the same situation as yourself. Believe me stay with your parents for that length of time is not fair to anyone. They raised you and it is now time for them have their own space....they deserve, as for you ........the two of you deserve a happy place to grow and take care of yourselves.
I have five children 33 to 55 years old and if they told me they wish to stay home till they could afford a place of their own I would respond ARE YOU NUTS "AND" than say you have one year to get your act together and off you go out of the nest. If you were to get pregnant during that time NOTHING would change as it would be all the more important you and your hubby have a place of YOUR OWN
I wish you the best, as well as your parents............no one said life is always eay
I have to agree with those that said, find your own place. Yes, it will be scary, and it is hard to break away, but it will be better for all those involved,
especially you and your fiancé!
It also sounds like your mother might need to get some professional help to control her temper. It may be a medication that would work for her, or
just talking to a counselor.
Good luck to you!
especially you and your fiancé!
It also sounds like your mother might need to get some professional help to control her temper. It may be a medication that would work for her, or
just talking to a counselor.
Good luck to you!
I am so sorry this is happening to you.
As I was reading this all I kept thinking was "you have to move out". I would not at all stay in a place that stressed me out like this. I am sure you all are living there to save money and all but the stress of it all is NOT worth it. Hun pack up and go. She might come to realize what she is doing and then again she might not think she is doing anything wrong. I had a step mother that was like that and well lets just say she died a very loanly person. Not even her own girls would talk to her.
When she would put her hair in braids, we all new we better watch out. really she turned into the Devil. Mean and hateful.
Good luck, if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me and I will give you my number. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}, I am so sorry hun you are having to deal with this.
As I was reading this all I kept thinking was "you have to move out". I would not at all stay in a place that stressed me out like this. I am sure you all are living there to save money and all but the stress of it all is NOT worth it. Hun pack up and go. She might come to realize what she is doing and then again she might not think she is doing anything wrong. I had a step mother that was like that and well lets just say she died a very loanly person. Not even her own girls would talk to her.
When she would put her hair in braids, we all new we better watch out. really she turned into the Devil. Mean and hateful.
Good luck, if you ever need someone to talk to just PM me and I will give you my number. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}, I am so sorry hun you are having to deal with this.
From a medical point of view I highly recommend you do some medical research on menopause..................true most women don't even know they are having the change and to others the hormonal imbalance can be very devistating to those around the individual as well as to them selves.Ok, I'm going to defend the menopausal women out there! Menopause does NOT cause someone to act like that. Yes, we go thru hormonal changes which can cause some issues for us. BUT.....even my mother (who can be a total bitch) did not change like that due to menopause. It is something in their core personality that is that way. It may show up more at certain times, but it is not something that will go away or change (unless there is some life-altering event).
Many women begin drinking, to try to calm the turmoil going on inside their bodies. Please, if you wish to help some one know more about what you are talking about before assuming ......................just because you or those in your family had an easy time of it, there are others going through pure hell........................I do not wish to offend by saying this
I did NOT have an easy time of it. Nor did my mother. But menopause (and I've got a medical background) does NOT cause that kind of behavior in MOST women. The name calling, etc tends to be more dementia related. Yes...hormones can mess up your life. I could NOT do birth control because it made me impossible to live with (and I do mean impossible...I couldn't stand living with me)...but....I NEVER spoke to my kids that way. My mother was a witch and you didn't want to make her mad, but she never spoke to any of us kids in that manner. If you actually read this young lady's post all the way thru, she mentions that when her Mom fights with her dad she turns on the daughter (and she says...."like usual") THAT is not a menopause thing. I really hate when everyone dismisses a woman who is acting this way as being "hormonal". There are many, many other things that make women (and men) act like this.From a medical point of view I highly recommend you do some medical research on menopause..................true most women don't even know they are having the change and to others the hormonal imbalance can be very devistating to those around the individual as well as to them selves.
Many women begin drinking, to try to calm the turmoil going on inside their bodies. Please, if you wish to help some one know more about what you are talking about before assuming ......................just because you or those in your family had an easy time of it, there are others going through pure hell........................I do not wish to offend by saying this
1 - 20 of 38 Posts
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