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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am engaged to the most amazing guy. I love him to pieces, flaws and all, and nothing will ever change that. When we first started dating, he started exaggerating when telling stories then it turned into stretching the truth, then out came totally absurd stories that I've called him out on a couple of times (like HE pulled over a cop and the cop was all "yes sir" and "no sir" to him...like I said, completely absurd) The past week I have found out 3 flat-out lies. The first one was he told me that the ring he proposed to me with was custom made by him and he had to go on a payment plan to afford it. I did research because I knew it wasn't true, and sure enough, the ring was $18. I don't care that I got an inexpensive ring, I really don't. I would rather him save money for our future then get me an expensive ring. What bothers me is the lie.
The other lies was the story behind the car accident he got into the other night. He told a different story to my mom, myself, and his mom. Of course girls talk and we all had different versions of the story. I caught him when he was in the middle of lying to me about it but I didn't say I knew that my mom got a different version. The lies and the false stories are to the point where I feel silly when I with him in public and he is doing this because everyone knows they are not true.
Onto the jerk part. The night of his car accident I had to take care of his dog. She is an outdoor dog and rather than have her tied out in the open where a coyote could get her, I thought I would tie her in the fenced in area that my goats are in. Well, she attacked the goats and when I was finally able to catch her I literally wanted to kill her. I felt horrible that something like that happened to my goats under my watch, but I thought I was doing something NICE for my fiancé and his dog. Well he blamed me and kept saying that it was stupid and was my fault, not his dog's. I know it was stupid. I didn't need him telling me that and also telling my mom that behind my back (once again girls talk).
The part about him being a jerk is really out of character for him. He's only started being like this and snapping at me for the past month or so. Normally he is such a sweet guy and would do anything for me and he makes me feel so special.
I know he is stressed as he lives with his grandpa and his grandpa is a total pr*ck to him. He is also trying to find work. Then he got I to the wreck and smashed his truck. So it could be that or the fact that he is 20 years old and is immature.
Whatever it is, it is really starting to get to me. What I said in the beginning of the (horribly long, sorry) rant is still true and always will be. That I love him flaws and all. I just don't know how to manage them. Any advice???
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
The lying is literally the only thing I have to complain about. The being a jerk, well, he is human, and I'm sure I'm a jerk at times, too.
Other than the lying he is great. We both love animals, have the same interests, he and my parents get along GREAT, and he treats me like a princess. He is 20 and I am 24. Usually the things he lies about are done so in a way that if true, would make him look better. Like an expensive ring, saying the wreck wasn't his fault, etc. and it could be because I am 4 years older than him that he feels he needs to "make up" for the age gap by making himself look/sound older.
Just a though I had...
 

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Ok, it's hard to say given that we don't know you.

You sound like you are both young?

I could be totally off here, but...
It sounds like he is a compulsive liar. Sorry :( I've met people like him, in fact, I know someone like that in my family. It wasn't as bad at first, but now over the years, they make up all kinds of stuff and it's hurtful to everyone who knows them.
For example July 4th weekend, my kids and I drove 3 1/2 hours to see my family. There was a BIG family birthday party at a park for some kids.
It had been cool and rainy that week. Rainy that day, but the forecast was calling for improvement in the area where the party was at.
This particular person didn't want to go because they said they'd get sick <older, but not that old!>, didn't want to sit in a shelter because of rain, yada, yada, yada.... So we left this person, and everyone else went including this person's spouse.
It was absolutely beautiful, skies cleared...
We get back to their place that night, and this person said it stormed right after we left. Lightning, thunder, heavy rain, etc. etc.
One thing they forgot is a family friend was camping on the property below their house.
So the next morning I asked this person in front of everyone if there was a storm after we left. They said no, it cleared up and was beautiful!
So then the person's excuse was also that someone was talking about them and they didn't want to go and have to call them out.
It's just one lie after another after another! Who would be talking about them that they couldn't confront as an adult? Their kids?
It's gotten worse, and there are so many hurt feelings, plus you just never know what you can believe and what you can't believe.

So you just have to decide. Do you want to stay with someone who you know is constantly lying? Someone who is willing to always stretch the truth?
Someone that you go and find out he's been telling other people different things and they also know he's either not telling the truth, or makes you feel very belittled?
Someone that goes behind your back and says things about you, such as what he said to your mom?

Again, I don't know you, or your fiancée. But sounds like he needs a life lesson, maybe counseling. If you've confronted him about this and he's still doing it, well... it's your call, however, just because he seems sweet, that doesn't mean it's right to lie.
 

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IMO if someone lies about dumb stuff they will definitely lie about important things. If they can't tell the truth they can't be trusted. And if you can't trust them I personally would not be with them . And I can tell you from experience that once you say I do things can change for the worst. Good luck! :)
 

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sounds like he has a problem with his self esteem...and immaturity. I would let him know its not only embarrassing when others see it but totally disrespectful to you. He should trust you enough to tell the truth even if its unflattering to him. work together for him to over come the need to lie. Knowing you love him and will stand with him will go along way with him. If he is unwilling to work through the lie problem..he will be unwilling to work through other problems that might rise its ugly head...keep in mind what you want for a future...what you want your future kids to learn..
as for the jerk part....things are often said in anger that should not have been. Best move on from it...but you also know his dog is not to be trusted around goats.
Best wishes
 

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Do you really want to marry someone who you can never believe is telling the truth? The lies will only continue.

How long have you been together? You may be now seeing the real person. Sounds like he is not at a good point in his life. Take a good hard look at how he is handling things. Is this what you really want to live with. It will only get worse. You will NEVER change him.

Is lying all the time and being a jerk when things aren't going his way really how you want a relationship?

My husband and I don't lie to each other. We are truthful and work through any problems or hard times. You want a true partner, not a lying child for a husband. You can't love him enough to make him change. That must come from within him and I wouldn't be waiting around for that.
 

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I completely agree with Hoosiershadow. We too have two people in our family that do this. Mother and son. I believe they are pathological liars. They truely believe they are telling the truth, when in fact it is either completely a lie, or some partial truth.
Do yourself a favor and get away now. The person may need medical help if this has just become a problem. Be a friend, but not a wife...
Just my two cents...
 

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Another thing that I have learned the hard way is that you never really know someone until you have lived together. You can spend alot of time together and think you know them completely then move in together then the true person comes creeping out. Lol :)
 

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Believe me its only gonna get worse, I know. And if I could do it all over again, well I wouldn't. My husband lies and its to the point I don't trust him any further then I can see him. And he is a truck driver and gonna all the time. Anyway, I won't leave because of all my animals, but there is no love or happiness. So your better off walking away or accept your in for a life of wondering
 

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Just throwing this out there, but could it be a mental illness? I worked at a homeless shelter, and a lot of them told "stories" and they were mentally ill. Also, I would think if he was to be telling a real "lie" he would say the same lie to everyone, not change it up every version. Also the mood swings could also be an indicator of an illness.

Also, remember that you you are marrying a man as he is NOW. Don't expect his bad behaviors to change because you are married. I have heard many people say they thought things would change when they were married, and it has not, or it has gotten worse.

I have been married 17 years, and married an alcoholic. He was never a "mean" alcoholic. After getting married his drinking did get worse, and things got tough, but I had to accept I married him AND his disease. He is now sober, though this is not the first time trying.

Only you know in your heart if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. Even if it is a mental illness, there will be times he feels he is "cured" go off his meds, and start all over again (been there with mine).

As with all advise, take what you want and leave the rest!

Best of luck!
 

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Having been in 2 such marriages, i can tell you to get out while you can. He is too young and immature. He has self esteem issues that may never be resolved. You say this behavior has gotten worse recently, look for signs of cheating. I've been down that road. Good luck
 

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You want to be in this relationship so what you need is advice for how to deal with his issue within the relationship. I would advise you to get some couple's counseling. The lying needs to be addressed immediately. It isn't normal or healthy to make up obviously exaggerated stories like that, but calling him out without professional help may just result in more elaborate lies to defend himself. You need to get to the root of the behavior and resolve it.

While it may not seem like it, these lies can be dangerous. What if he lies about his ability to fix a car or build a shed? He could put you, your animals, and your future children at great risk. I have a friend who claims to be able to do everything. I let him be my navigator when I moved cross-country. Turns out he can't read a map...and I found that out by nearly dying in the Nevada desert when he directed me onto the wrong cattle roads in July. I only didn't end up dead because of an actual miracle. My '77 Suburban went nearly 50 miles farther than it should have onthe gas in the tank. If it hadn't I would have had to try to walk 50 miles in the desert heat with no water...and I was starting out dehydrated. We hadn't seen another vehicle in 8 hours, and the attendent at the gas station told me we wouldn't have seen any more. No one goes out there except big rigs and cattle farmers (who own the gas station) and you don't get many of either in July.

Help him get gelp. Compulsive lying is very dangerous to the people around you. Good luck!
 

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I have to agree, I know that hurts to hear, but we are looking after you and we care. He isn't a good man. You can do better sweety. Look elsewhere, you need someone that will be honest and loving. Not to lie and be mean to you, no matter the situation.
Glad he is showing that side of himself to you now, instead of later, when it may be too late.
You are better than that, don't let him drag you down. You are someone special :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
With the dog thing, I have known Sammy (the dog) for months. Whenever my fiancé is over she roams the property. I know her. Troy had said before "oh, she's fine with any animal, she'll be fine with the goats". I based my decision on information from Troy and also my own personal experience with her. I probably shouldn't have included the bit about the dog and goats in my thread, I was in rant mode and it really bothered me that I got snapped at and told that what I did was stupid, since I was just trying to do something nice for her and Troy.
 

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The heart is not always the best judge when it comes to people..it sometimes wants what is not good for it. you have some advice here from helping him work through it to run while you can...you need to decide how much you want to invest in this relationship..he imo is not hopeless unless he is unwilling to admit he has a problem and get help ...if he is not willing to do that then I agree with the others who say run..and run fast...Even if he does admit it and does want to get help...he needs to show the effort ..he has to be the one to work hard at it...if not he is just playing games and has no real desire to change..
 

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The dog has nothing to do with it. You need to look at him and really decide if you can live with someone who lies and makes up stories to make themselves look better.

A friend of mine has been in a miserable marriage for over 20 years now. Years of mental and some physical abuse. Everything that goes wrong is her fault. Every problem with the kids is her fault. She is stupid and dumb. She can't do anything right. Everything that she tries to communicate to him is dumb and not understandable. He is always the victim and she is always the aggressor even though he is the one making up stories and lying. She is now afraid that he will kill her if she leaves. He was the same way as your fiance when she was dating him and first got married. He treats their 3 children just as bad as he treats her and they are definitely affected by it and will have it harder in life.

Do you want your children to grow up with a man who lies and acts like a jerk when things don't go his way? And since he does nothing but lie, if he says he will change, how will you know?
 

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Every couple has their 'issue' no matter what it is. Doesn't mean it's a big deal or not.
But lying definitely is not part of it. Doesn't matter if he's younger and thinks he has to impress people or not.
I am about 3 1/2 years older than my husband. He was 19 when we got together.
Lying is not a part of it, never has been.
Our biggest issue ever has been cultural differences. He's from south of the border, raised much differently than most of us, so his beliefs are different.
I am a very stubborn, pushy person, so things collide once in a while, even after all this time lol <Together 13 years, married for 11>.
The biggest issue we have now is the goats. We clash a lot on them, again, I have my idea on how to do things, he has his idea. His idea won't work for 4-H goats, been there, done that.
We just had a big disagreement the day before yesterday with the end result being he nearly got a 5 mo doe bred because he wouldn't listen to me when I told him NOT to let the young does out to graze in the front yard with the adult does. Ummm hello we have a buck now! He kept saying 'oh, he won't breed her, she's not in heat' I told him, he is a teenage girl-crazy buck! Sure enough.... So that's our typical kind of issue.

Now my ex husband, heh. Sure he was a sweet guy when I met him too. He was trying to straighten his life up. Everything was great. We got married, expected our first child.
When our daughter was a couple of months old, he changed and wasn't the person I thought he was. He was constantly lying.
We had our issues leading up to the big one...
We moved near my dad, because I knew in the back of my mind I was going to leave my ex, I just hadn't had the strength to do it yet - hard since I had my daughter to worry about.
My ex doesn't come home from work one night. Thought okay, he's working overtime, not the first time for that, he worked 2nd shift.
By noon the next day I was like OMG! Well he didn't pay the phone bill so naturally I didn't have a phone. I was getting ready to walk to a payphone and call his boss, when he walks in.
I look outside. Where's the car?
He fed me this story about the altenator belt on the car slipped, so he stopped to fix it. He had 2 buddies in the car with him that had been drinking. Cop stopped, smelled the alcohol and hauled them all in, and impounded the car.
He swore he did nothing wrong.
So...next day I call my dad, he takes us to get the car out. Had to use some of the $$ we had saved for our rent.
Get the car home. There was all kinds of snack wrappers, etc. in it, I mean it was a mess! So I work on cleaning it out, something sticks to the hose on the vaccum.
A paper.
It's a CITATION that he had stuck under the seat. In that Citation I found that my husband had gone to have a few beers, and was so intoxicated that he could no longer drive and pulled over. Vehicle was in park, but not turned off.
He was cited with an OUI <Operating Under Influence>, and hauled to jail!
He was released the morning he came home and had to walk all the way home.
After that he just bailed on everything, lied even more, and put my daughter and I on the back burner.
I left him and Thank GOD I did.

He owes my daughter about $30,000 in child support, she has only seen him maybe 3-4x since she was 10mo <she's almost 15>. Every now and then they arrest him for child support and he lies, lies, LIES, and the judge's still fall for it.
That isn't what I want for my daughter.

My husband takes care of my oldest daughter, he has been her father, not the ex.

So you know, you just have to think about what is best for you. Obviously I let my heart do too much of my decision making, or I would have left my ex sooner.

If you think counseling can help, GET COUNSELING. If not, then girl, like the others said. RUN AWAY!
 
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