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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Since the policy concerning goats and horses in many parks is based upon the historical use or lack thereof of such animals in the exploration of the park, I have done a bit of research to show the traditional use of goats in western exploration.

Since the early 1700's the annals of history would record the valiant exploits of American exploration conducted by the famous Amish explorer Yanni Sigismundensis, had he only told someone what he was doing.

Instead we can only piece together the remnant hints of his explorations to construct a tenouos route, from the hills of Pennsylvania through the wilderness areas of the great American west, of the unfamous Amish explorer Sigismundensis.

To be famous, one must be well-known. To be infamous, one must be well known for being bad. To be unfamous, one need not be known at all.

Yanni was born, presumably to Amish parents of Swiss descent somewhere in Pennsylvania, but since there are no records, historians do not dispute the fact that he was the product of a rumspringa dalliance.

Rumspringa is the unintentional consequence of the doctrine of freewill which produces institutional condoning of sin by the Amish, akin to Catholic indulgences. Since Amish communities are freewill communities, where adherents to the faith voluntarily submit themselves to the rules and ruling elders of the community, when a children become of age, they are encouraged to explore the sinful world outside of the community with the hopes that they will renounce such a world and voluntarily return.

Yanni had no distinguishing accomplishments as a child and he must have been a quiet boy since no one has bothered to ask if anyone remembered him.

It is presumed that upon the time of his own rumspringa, that Yanni snuck out of the community with a stolen Saanan wether 'Damnit' and a goat cart. No record was filed with the police since the victims were reluctant to say the goat's name, nor had Yanni told anyone he was leaving. In fact, there is no evidence he was ever missed.

The 'wildest thang' that Yanni could think of to do, due to his rather sheltered life among the Amish, was to name newly discovered natural features after body parts for posterity, which word he also chuckled at, thinking it sounded a lot like 'posterior'.

Outfitted with only the goat cart and a bag of beans, we are left only with embarrassingly named mountains, valleys, rivers and rock formations, such as Gran Teton and Coyote Butte as evidence of his passing.

Any park with such names should consider them prima facie evidence of the historical use of goats in it's exploration.

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847 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Now if the park service is going to accept this research, they must hear of it sung around campfires as they patrol the parks at night.

So the Legend must be converted to a Ballad. Feel free to contribute. ;-)

The Ballad of the Unfamous Amish Explorer Yanni Sigismundensis

The annals of history would surely record
in the 17th hundred year of our Lord
The daring route, not from Philly or Memphis
Of the un-famous explorer Yanni Sigismundensis.
But the books are all silent of his Western exploit
Since he was at publicity the most maladroit.
Conceived in an Amish Swiss lass on rumspringa
No birth record exists for the Fall or the Spring-a

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847 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Nor winter or summer, historians don't dispute
The child was kept hidden being of such ill repute.
No consequence made of his earliest years,
No joyful accomplishments, no sorrow or tears
No one knows what the kid did or how his time passed
No one remembers, and no one has asked.
Of age for rumspringa, Yanni had yearned
for glory and fame that had yet to be earned,
With a stolen goat 'Damnit', beans and a cart
Yanni took his leave without a shout, just a heart (you thought I would say something else)
No report of the goat to the Constable was made
For fear of the consequence of the goat's name being said

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847 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
It needs a chorus to break up the verse:

Ya-nni Sigismundensis
Lost his goat and his mind, he went out of his senses
"Come here, Damnit!" echoed from west to east
O'Sullivan mistook it for Manifest Destiny
Wandered the wilderness where there were no fences
The unfamous explorer Sigismundensis

And then needs some verses with embarrasingly named features.

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847 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Though Yanni was gone and the goat's owner was pissed
No records there are that Yanni was missed.
Of Amish upbringing amidst limited vice
No card playing, nor swearing, nor rolling the dice
Yanni chuckled and laughed at merely the thought
Of naming mountains and rivers things he ought not.
Squaw Tit mountain, Grand Teton, Coyote Butte for a start
Posterity would be blushed by each body part.
Balls Hollow, Butte Wash, Big Dickey Creek
Ken-tuche Spring, Breastworks Creek and of course Ash Peak
No map of his route but this tenuous trail
Is discerned from the remnant names that prevail

Now I can go to bed...just need a tune.

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847 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
When I needed a job I did a Monster search for a high paying job as an ascetic monk. The only jobs I found were ones advertised by people who couldn't spell 'asthetic'.

There was a job advertised in England for someone to live under a bridge and throw colourful epithets at passers by, just to add ambiance to the castle nearby. My wife didn't want to move, and I didn't have a Cockney accent.

So if ever you are needing a goat guide, I may pack up the Glockenspiel and apply for the job.

Those of us who spent our formative years when the Smothers Brothers were kings need to stick together.
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